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Football Pulse Archive - September 2011

STORY (29/09): Limavady United have made an audacious offer to take Carlos Tevez off the hands of Manchester City following his tantrum in Munich. The Northern Irish second-tier club faxed City to offer to take the Argentinian troublemaker on loan for the rest of the season, with the enticing carrot that he wouldn't be cup-tied for for the Champions League. That should swing it.

PICS (29/09): It's not topical, it's not funny nor is it a 'YouTube hit', but if you love football and like looking a beautiful pictures you could do worse than spend two minutes here.

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PIC (28/09): Michael Owen is on the warpath after his locker was defaced with a 'boring' sticker over his passion for jigsaws. Apparently, it's not a 'cool' pastime for a footballer, and probably a bit too puzzling for some of Owen's Manchester United team-mates.

VID (28/09): This is an absolute cracker. Ex-Birmingham, erm, 'star', Walter Pandiani faces the media in a press conference at Espanyol. All looks fine to begin with, but scroll forward halfway through the clip and you could say the Uruguayan becomes a little 'flustered'. Someone turn on the air con!

VID (28/09): Is this the most disgusting and gutless tackle of all time? A kung fu kick by Sport's U19 keeper on Vasco's Elivelton, while his back was turned, was rightly punished by him being sacked by his club. The police are also considering charging him with attempted homicide.

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STORY (27/09): The wrong colour of underpants was the cause of six red cards in an amazing FA Youth Cup match on Monday night. Bath City's white pants differed in colour from their black shorts and the referee applied the letter of the law strictly, sending several players off the field to change. While they did so, City's opponents Newport scored - then all hell broke loose.

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VID (26/09): Spare a thought for Olhanense striker Salvador Agra who is not only pole-axed by a beefy Uniao Leiria defender but then dropped on his head by the comical medical team. Poor chap!

VID (26/09):
Is this the longest-range header ever? It's certainly up there with the most outrageous.

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VID (23/09): Players are often accused of faking injuries, but, a linesman?! This is surely a blatant dive by the man with the flag after he's hit by what looks like a bog roll during a Copa Sudamericana match between Nacional and Universidad de Chile. The match was abandoned.

VID (23/09): Annoyed by a fan ruining a good photo opportunity, Diego Maradona, the new manager of Dubai club Al Wasl, violently kicks the offender's hand out of the way. Way to ingratiate yourself, Diego.

PIC (23/09): Carlos Tevez's face could be said to have ruined many a picture. It certainly ruined this one.

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VID (22/09): Former Liverpool flop Milan Jovanovic faces a five-year ban after firing an imaginary machine gun at Club Brugge's fans after scoring for Anderlecht. Belgian government officials say they could prosecute the Serbian under laws against incitement to hatred and anger. Skip to 1:48 to see what all the fuss is about and then hear Jovanovic's reaction to his controversial celebration.

STORY (22/09): Roman Abramovich's plans to quietly usher Andre Villas-Boas out of the door and replace him with former Blues boss Carlo Ancelotti were foiled last night before Chelsea's Carling Cup tie with Fulham.

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PIC (21/09): So this is how suck-up Joey Barton wrestled the QPR captain's armband from Adel Taarabt.

VID (21/09): You can't beat a good old-fashioned diving bullet header, even if it is past your own keeper.

STORY (21/09): Turkey has come up with a radical solution for tackling crowd violence - ban the men and let only women and children in for free.

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VID (20/09): Ipswich have decided to settle disputes over who takes free-kicks by employing the classic 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' tactic, demonstrated last night by Jimmy Bullard and Keith Andrews against Coventry.

VID (20/09): This is why Americans should stick to their own version of football after a comical own goal from a US college game.

PIC (20/09): QPR pranksters, led by Joey Barton (who else?), show off Shaun Wright-Phillips' special chair at dinner before last week's game with Wolves.

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VID (19/09): Check out this innovative free kick routine from the lower reaches of the Italian leagues. Presumably it worked better on the training ground. Judging by the hearty cackling, their fans enjoyed it.

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VID (15/09): Another brutal brawl from South America - this time during an Argentinian fifth-tier match which descends into absolute chaos. At one point a player is booted in the head while lying on the ground.

VID (15/09): Who thinks Ryuji Bando went down a bit too easily during this clip from the Japanese K-League?

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VID (14/09): Jeff Stelling gets excited occasionally on Soccer Saturday, but he's got nothing on his Italian equivalent Tiziano Crudeli. Check out the geriatric's wild-eyed hysterics as Milan score in the first minute, and then equlise in injury time, in the Rossoneri's Champions League clash at Barcelona.

VID (14/09): Crooner Joe Cole belts out a rendition of Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner in front of his bemused Lille team-mates.

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VID (13/09): Pathetic piece of goalkeeping from Eastern Europe. Artem Gomelko does Belarusian stoppers no favours by patting a 70-yard off-target shot into his own net after trying to catch the ball one-handed.

STORY (13/09): Mansfield Town's latest club statement: 'We are delighted to announce Carolyn Still as our new Chief Executive Officer'. We echo that.

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VID (12/09): Now, we don't like players getting injured but when nasty collisions do happen we can't help but watch them. Here's Mark Schwarzer running out like a mad man and sending Blackburn striker Junior Hoilett to sleep.

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VID (11/09): You'd have thought Delia Smith's famous 'Where are you?' rant would have put off chairmen/women grabbing a microphone and addressing the fans. Not Bournemouth's Eddie Mitchell who delivers an extraordinary on-pitch outburst and beckons a fan to "jump over the fence and come and have a chat with me".

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VID (08/09): Call off the search. We've finally found it. The Pulse presents to you, officially, the Worst Penalty Ever. We also like the inexplicable booking that follows.

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VID (07/09): There are bad misses, and then there are real insomnia-inducing, horror misses. At Wembley. Late in the game. In an international. To clinch a throroughly deserved point. You've probably seen it already, but here's Rob Earnshaw's utter howler once again. Scroll to 4:10.

VID (07/09): Someone has written a really rather good song about Papa Bouba Diop. It's only slightly let down by the chorus. It expresses the songwriter's concern that loan sharks will kill him unless Diop scores a goal. A little left-field, but very catchy. (thanks to Cold Tuesday Evenings).

VID (07/09): Apologies for drifting away from football again, but here's Caroline Wozniacki's send-up of Rafael Nadal's hilarious press conference cramping episode. She is being roundly criticised for this, which just shows how desperate reporters get for a 'story' when the day's play is wiped out due to rain.

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VID (06/09): Phil Babb wannabe, Julian Velazquez, saves Independiente with this goalline clearance - but it comes at a very heavy price.

VID (06/09): Former Arsenal team-mates Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie go head-to-head in Ant and Dec's new gameshow, Red or Black?

VID (06/09): Chris Brass has some serious competition after Inigo Martinez managed to lob his own keeper, David de Gea, from 35 yards with a spinning back-heel volley.

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PICS (05/09): Warning: you are committing to looking at Mike Ashley nudity by clicking this link. Just imagine being an innocent diner in that Chinese restaurant. It would certainly put you off your prawn balls.

VID (05/09): Obviously this isn't football, but if you haven't yet seen Rafael Nadal collapse off his chair with agonising cramp during his press conference at the US Open, you really must watch it now.

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VID (02/09): You may only get one chance in life to take a close-up picture of Lionel Messi so it's important not to let that opportunity pass by - even if you are the linesman and bizarrely flash the camera straight at the player's chest.

STORY (02/09): Everton boss David Moyes wasn't the only one affected by Mikel Arteta's dramatic deadline-day transfer to Arsenal. Wayne Rooney's son Kai had the Spaniard's name plastered on the back of his shirt and now needs a replacement. We recommend new signing and commentator's nightmare Denis Stracqualurs who looks thrilled after joining the Toffees on loan.