The Football Pulse

VID (23/09): Players are often accused of faking injuries, but, a linesman?! This is surely a blatant dive by the man with the flag after he's hit by what looks like a bog roll during a Copa Sudamericana match between Nacional and Universidad de Chile. The match was abandoned.

VID (23/09): Annoyed by a fan ruining a good photo opportunity, Diego Maradona, the new manager of Dubai club Al Wasl, violently kicks the offender's hand out of the way. Way to ingratiate yourself, Diego.

PIC (23/09): Carlos Tevez's face could be said to have ruined many a picture. It certainly ruined this one.

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VID (22/09): Former Liverpool flop Milan Jovanovic faces a five-year ban after firing an imaginary machine gun at Club Brugge's fans after scoring for Anderlecht. Belgian government officials say they could prosecute the Serbian under laws against incitement to hatred and anger. Skip to 1:48 to see what all the fuss is about and then hear Jovanovic's reaction to his controversial celebration.

STORY (22/09): Roman Abramovich's plans to quietly usher Andre Villas-Boas out of the door and replace him with former Blues boss Carlo Ancelotti were foiled last night before Chelsea's Carling Cup tie with Fulham.

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PIC (21/09): So this is how suck-up Joey Barton wrestled the QPR captain's armband from Adel Taarabt.

VID (21/09): You can't beat a good old-fashioned diving bullet header, even if it is past your own keeper.

STORY (21/09): Turkey has come up with a radical solution for tackling crowd violence - ban the men and let only women and children in for free.

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VID (20/09): Ipswich have decided to settle disputes over who takes free-kicks by employing the classic 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' tactic, demonstrated last night by Jimmy Bullard and Keith Andrews against Coventry.

VID (20/09): This is why Americans should stick to their own version of football after a comical own goal from a US college game.

PIC (20/09): QPR pranksters, led by Joey Barton (who else?), show off Shaun Wright-Phillips' special chair at dinner before last week's game with Wolves.

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VID (19/09): Check out this innovative free kick routine from the lower reaches of the Italian leagues. Presumably it worked better on the training ground. Judging by the hearty cackling, their fans enjoyed it.

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VID (15/09): Another brutal brawl from South America - this time during an Argentinian fifth-tier match which descends into absolute chaos. At one point a player is booted in the head while lying on the ground.

VID (15/09): Who thinks Ryuji Bando went down a bit too easily during this clip from the Japanese K-League?

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VID (14/09): Jeff Stelling gets excited occasionally on Soccer Saturday, but he's got nothing on his Italian equivalent Tiziano Crudeli. Check out the geriatric's wild-eyed hysterics as Milan score in the first minute, and then equlise in injury time, in the Rossoneri's Champions League clash at Barcelona.

VID (14/09): Crooner Joe Cole belts out a rendition of Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner in front of his bemused Lille team-mates.

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VID (13/09): Pathetic piece of goalkeeping from Eastern Europe. Artem Gomelko does Belarusian stoppers no favours by patting a 70-yard off-target shot into his own net after trying to catch the ball one-handed.

STORY (13/09): Mansfield Town's latest club statement: 'We are delighted to announce Carolyn Still as our new Chief Executive Officer'. We echo that.

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VID (12/09): Now, we don't like players getting injured but when nasty collisions do happen we can't help but watch them. Here's Mark Schwarzer running out like a mad man and sending Blackburn striker Junior Hoilett to sleep.

VID (12/09): Players who continue to play on after being blown for offside are pretty annoying but if they do what Oussama Assaidi did for SC Heerenveen against FC Groningen more often then our minds may change very quickly. Unnecessary brilliance.

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VID (11/09): You'd have thought Delia Smith's famous 'Where are you?' rant would have put off chairmen/women grabbing a microphone and addressing the fans. Not Bournemouth's Eddie Mitchell who delivers an extraordinary on-pitch outburst and beckons a fan to "jump over the fence and come and have a chat with me".

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VID (08/09): Call off the search. We've finally found it. The Pulse presents to you, officially, the Worst Penalty Ever. We also like the inexplicable booking that follows.

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VID (07/09): There are bad misses, and then there are real insomnia-inducing, horror misses. At Wembley. Late in the game. In an international. To clinch a throroughly deserved point. You've probably seen it already, but here's Rob Earnshaw's utter howler once again. Scroll to 4:10.

VID (07/09): Someone has written a really rather good song about Papa Bouba Diop. It's only slightly let down by the chorus. It expresses the songwriter's concern that loan sharks will kill him unless Diop scores a goal. A little left-field, but very catchy. (thanks to Cold Tuesday Evenings).

VID (07/09): Apologies for drifting away from football again, but here's Caroline Wozniacki's send-up of Rafael Nadal's hilarious press conference cramping episode. She is being roundly criticised for this, which just shows how desperate reporters get for a 'story' when the day's play is wiped out due to rain.

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VID (06/09): Phil Babb wannabe, Julian Velazquez, saves Independiente with this goalline clearance - but it comes at a very heavy price.

VID (06/09): Former Arsenal team-mates Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie go head-to-head in Ant and Dec's new gameshow, Red or Black?

VID (06/09): Chris Brass has some serious competition after Inigo Martinez managed to lob his own keeper, David de Gea, from 35 yards with a spinning back-heel volley.

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PICS (05/09): We thought we'd avoid giving you a sneak preview of the pics of Mike Ashley you're about to see by clicking this link, and instead show some sensitivity by publishing the library image above when he's actually wearing clothes. Just imagine being an innocent diner in that Chinese restaurant. It would certainly put you off your prawn balls.

VID (05/09): Obviously this isn't football, but if you haven't yet seen Rafael Nadal collapse off his chair with agonising cramp during his press conference at the US Open, you really must watch it now.

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VID (02/09): You may only get one chance in life to take a close-up picture of Lionel Messi so it's important not to let that opportunity pass by - even if you are the linesman and bizarrely flash the camera straight at the player's chest.

STORY (02/09): Everton boss David Moyes wasn't the only one affected by Mikel Arteta's dramatic deadline-day transfer to Arsenal. Wayne Rooney's son Kai had the Spaniard's name plastered on the back of his shirt and now needs a replacement. We recommend new signing and commentator's nightmare Denis Stracqualurs who looks thrilled after joining the Toffees on loan.

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FOOTBALL PULSE ARCHIVE

August 2011: Paolo Di Canio's tunnel bust-up; Getafe's promotional video with lesbian zombies and sperm donations, Stan Kroenke and Arsene Wenger's Eminem hit, Victor Valdez beaten by a dolphin

July 2011: Rio Ferdinand targeted by Jack Bauer; Blackburn players star in Venky's chicken advert; Luis Suarez plays Fun House; Gary Neville's face on a carrot; Owen Hargreaves' fitness video

June 2011: Martin Jol dancing to the Macarena; Czech U21 star's horrible freak arm break; player sent off for having a pierced penis; highly suspicious Spanish relegation play-off draw

May 2011: The worst miss in history (no, really); Pique and Shakira shake their booties; Mick McCarthy gets soaked; Kevin-Prince Boateng's dance routine; PNE v Blackpool banner japes and the worst views in sport

April 2011: Berbatov's Godfather impression; Gerrard and Carragher 'Mr & Mr' special; Sergio Ramos drops the Copa del Rey; Marco Materazzi's Nike trainers tattoos; headless Man Utd sub; 'The Japanese Messi'

March 2011: Balotelli bib fail; table football made sexy; Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage; Jonjo Shelvey posts his tackle on Twitter; Ryan Giggs' first-ever TV interview; Cantona's best career moment

February 2011: Ashley Cole air-rifle farce; Carroll and Dalglish watch Boyzone; Gattuso v Jordan fall-out; Beckham rescues stranded motorist; fat Ronaldo had to wear nappies; Gray and Keys find a new job